My Definition of Boundaries

I think the word “boundaries” is a really loaded term. It’s thrown around constantly, there are so many different definitions, and honestly it can seem like a pretty crunchy word. Like, if you’re into boundaries you’re probably also into not shaving your legs, drinking lots of soy milk, and living without electricity. Or, it conjures an image of someone who’s really Zen and has it all figured out and whom you couldn’t possibly relate to. Or, maybe you see a person who’s really rigid and cold and is always saying no in an offensive way. I could go on and on and so you see what I mean about how many different versions of “boundaries” there are out there.

Before I started implementing boundaries I really didn’t get it. I had good relationships with my parents and friends, always had healthy romantic relationships where I felt loved and empowered. How could boundaries help me? I didn’t think I needed them. But, a few years ago when I started to dive deep into my own person growth work I began to learn how powerful boundaries actually are.

I very much internalized the societal expectations of women (especially women in the south) that we should be happy, pleasant, and pretty all the time. I spent a lot my life not speaking up for myself because I felt that doing so violated those unspoken rules – and I’m nothing if not a good rule follower. I thought the only way to speak up was a big confrontation and I wasn’t comfortable with that either. But not speaking up for myself led to so much resentment. Resentment for hostess who left me waiting long after the people who arrived after me were seated because she had forgotten about me or resentment for my husband because he left his jacket on the dining table for week. I know these are small things, there were bigger things too but those feel like more obvious breeding grounds for resentment. These small things seem like they should be so easy: just remind the hostess that you’re there, just ask your husband to put his jacket away. And you’re right those are small things, but at the time I had let so much resentment for so many things build up that anytime I encountered something that didn’t feel good I couldn’t imagine a way to speak up about it without being confrontational. The thing about boundaries is that they take away all that resentment.

Slowly I started adding boundaries to my life in all kinds of place. At first it was boundaries in my marriage. That was easiest because I knew my husband would still love me even when I started making my needs known. Then I tested the waters in other places: boundaries at work, boundaries in relationships: with family members, with in-laws, with friends. As I started doing it I realized that I felt more calm and peaceful and that the resentment was dissipating.

Before I started implementing boundaries external factors were responsible for my comfort. Other people behaving in just the right way kept me comfortable, when people broke the unwritten social contracts things fell apart. I didn’t feel good or comfortable anymore and to be honest I thought that’s just how it was, I thought that’s what everyone was experiencing. However, with boundaries I have control over my own comfort. If I’m dissatisfied with something I can politely speak up or if I’m asked to do something that doesn’t sit right I can negotiate the parameters until it feels good (I think a misconception about boundaries that it’s lots of “no’s.” My experience is that it’s more malleable than that and I can often get to a solution that feels good for me and the other person that isn’t straight up “no.” Though sometimes that’s the right choice.) The reality is that people make mistakes and forget things and no one can do everything perfectly all of the time, with the resentment gone I could see that. I had the emotional capacity to remember that things aren’t personal because I was consumed with the negative feeling I was left with when not enforcing boundaries.

By enforcing boundaries I’ve also allowed myself to show up for the people in my life in the way I want to. If I want to be a present and engaged parent, a loving and supportive partner, or a reliable friend I can’t also be stretched past what I’m able to do. If I’m exhausted because I’ve been asked to do too much at work for the amount of bandwidth I have or have to spend my whole weekend participating in family events without time to rest or recharge I’m not going to be able to do those things. Learning to enforce boundaries has made me happier because I’m more likely to be the person I hope to be. When I’m not spending my mental and emotional energy being upset by things outside of my control I can also be more relaxed and present in my life.